Ask Venus

Dear Venus,

My boyfriend has gained 35 lbs since we’ve been dating over the last year. I am no longer sexually attracted to him and he refuses to lose weight because he thinks he has only gained a few pounds. And when he asks me why I always make excuses not to have sex with him, I tell him about his weight and it ends in an argument. Should I leave him or join him when he eats his Twinkies?

Gentle (and somewhat of a twit) Reader,

Ok, first let’s start by asking a few key questions:
1. Does his belly hit you in the forehead when you blow him?
2. Can you even find his penis under all that excess flab?
3. Does he crush you in the act of passion?
4. Before making love does he donut glaze his body in an attempt to seduce?

Seriously Honey, have you ever heard the old saying “Love Is Blind?” If you love your man a little extra pounds shouldn’t make or break a relationship, but it sounds like this is a serious hang-up for you. Rather than fight about his weight and sexual attraction, you may want to approach things in a different way. Start by telling him you love him (If that is still the case) and state that you are concerned about his health. Check out the local gyms together and start an exercise program. If you don’t do this already, be the one to do the grocery shopping and cooking. Prepare meals designed to be healthy and non-fattening. Let him see that you are concerned about HIM and not just the sex.

If that still doesn’t work, tie the Twinkie to the end of your cock and run. He’ll be chasing you all over the house and working off those excess pounds in the process. Then when he catches you and goes to eat that golden snack cake of goodness, shove your dick in his mouth instead and give him your OWN cream filling.

The average helping of semen is only approximately 5 calories compared to roughly 150 calories for the Twinkie. Plus, it’s power packed with protein for the carb counters out there. Bon appetite!

 
*The opinions and advice offered by Venus Von Cocktrap do not necessarily reflect the views of AdamMale and are intended for entertainment purposes only. All responses are “tongue in cheek,” and you, and only you, are responsible for your actions. The information contained in this section is not intended to diagnose or treat any medical or psychological condition.  Please consult a trained professional if you are experiencing any health or mental related issues. This column, its author, and AdamMale are not responsible for the outcome or results of following any advice in any given situation.